Known for his comedic roles, Hong Kong actor Chapman To (杜汶澤) recently stumbled upon an eighteen year old’s review of the latest HK blockbuster, 3D Sex and Zen: Extreme Ecstasy. With his signature swagger, he transforms a review full of frustration and disappointment into Hong Kong’s latest comedic goldmine. Throughout the entire video, even Chapman breaks down in laughter!
Please note that the review is NWS due to Cantonese swearing. English translation is below.
Why would a porn flick show more blood rather than sweat/semen? More piercing cries rather than moans of ecstasy? And why would a 3D porn flick show more flying bullets, knives, rocks, guts and gore rather than sex? Fuck. I’d rather see cumshots squirt towards my face instead of seeing bullets or knives come at me from the screen. If I wanted to see flying bullets, I would’ve gone to see “Let the Bullets Fly” instead.
Why would a porn flick turn into a horror movie? Why would it contain head explosions, disembowelments and dismemberment? Fucking motherfuckers! I watch porn because I want to see people having sex, not murdering each other! How can I get a hard-on when I see cocks getting severed?
If you haven’t guessed it by now, the so called porn-cum-slasher flick I’m talking about is 3D Sex and Zen: Extreme Ecstasy. But let’s put aside the gory details for a minute and talk about what the focus of a porn flick should be: the actresses.
Any horndog should get a little stiffy when they hear the names Saori Hara, Yukiko Suo, Lan Yan or Hong Kong’s very own Vonnie Lui, especially if they were to be in a film together. Somehow 3D Sex and Zen managed to fuck up a porno featuring these actresses.
Firstly, they fucking ruined the movie by dubbing over Saori Hara’s voice with that bitch Vienna (Lin)’s! We are perfectly content with hearing the original soundtrack of Japanese pornos even though we don’t understand a word they’re saying.
Secondly, why would you whip Yukiko Suo to shreds in a porno? What’s more, she was fucked to death in the movie! Like literally fucked to death! Most of us who went to see 3D Sex and Zen are horny little bastards, not necrophillic sadist freaks! If you find any dude still pitching a tent after watching these scenes in the theater, I suggest you get up and leave. He may be dangerous.
Another point of contention in 3D Sex and Zen is the orgy scene with Hiro Hayama. Most of the chicks in that scene are way fucking ugly. Motherfucking cunts! How am I supposed to get a stiffy from watching that?
Fuck it. Let’s also put aside this point for the moment and really focus on why I went to see this movie in the first place. I went to see 3D Sex and Zen because of Vonnie Lui.
Before heading to the theaters, I did a little research and found out that Vonnie Lui would be playing the role of a tranny in the film. However, I never expected to see her use “her cock” to club people or to spin a wheel. The movie is also so fucked as to use an old man’s voice for her voice-overs! Further, Vonnie’s character name is Elder of Bliss? WHAT THE FUCK!
Fuck it. Forget the voice-overs as well. As I said before, I went to see this movie because of Vonnie Lui. In fact, one of the key selling points for 3D Sex and Zen is that we finally get to see Vonnie Lui naked. But the fucking sad part is that we only get to see her bare tits for a total of 2 seconds (a user on HKGOLDEN.com even noted that this scene may have been doctored).
That’s right, 2 whole fucking seconds. Was I supposed to glance at her face or her tits during those 2 seconds? And guess what happens after those 2 precious seconds. She puts her clothes back on you say? No, her whole body blows up on screen! My dear goddess Vonnie Lui explodes into pieces of flesh! MOTHERFUCKERS!
Here’s the thing, Vonnie Lui has been my idol ever since I was a young lad. Others have called her ugly and scoffed at her fake boobs. But my love for her has never wavered. So when I first heard about this 3D porn flick starring Vonnie Lui AND two of Japan’s top porn models almost a year ago, I totally jizzed my pants.
I spent an entire year in rabid anticipation for 3D Sex and Zen. And for what? For a two-second flash of Vonnie’s tits and her subsequent bodily explosion? Do you know what fucking kind of mental damage this has caused me? Everytime I see pictures of Vonnie Lui from henceforth I will be reminded of Elder of Bliss’ voice and her exploding body. They fucking ruined the perfect image of my dear Vonnie Lui! YOU FUCKBALLS!!!!
Finally, many question my sanity with regards to my rage in all of this. But I tell you my mind is crystalline and my rage is pure: FUCK YOU MOTHERFUCKING 3D SEX AND ZEN!!!